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Thursday, May 18, 2017

"I am my Own Worst (ubiety) Enemy" by Victor - 5.18.17

Entry Submitted by Victor at 8:58 AM EDT on May 18, 2017

Since I was a little kid I liked to draw and do art. When I was 5 years old in kindergarten all the kids where told to draw a cow. So I drew a cow as I saw it. When I was done the drawing looked just like a cow. When the teacher came by to look at the work she was all impressed, took it away and went to show it to other teachers. I did not understand?

What was the big deal and what was going on? I remember I was still very nervous about being in kindergarden and leaving my mom and all of this was a new world. I was still very scared of the dark and I now had to go to the bathroom all by myself, all very hard. There where all these strange people telling me what to do. We had to wear uniforms and there where many rules and they beat us with sticks.

They took the drawing and saved it, to only give it back to me on stage in front of the whole school with an award. I did not understand until latter, when I saw that everyone else was drawing cows like little stick figures.........really? They did not look like cows to me. I did not understand how everyone else saw cows like that?

So I was told I was special but I did not believe it. I still struggle to believe it to this day......still! It is the strangest life to live with a torn personality where you do not think YOU are......" Good Enough". This has been my hardest enemy to overcome. I do not know how this happened or who really put this programing in there? Was it me? or was it my father perhaps? Society?.....the vaccination shots, the amalgam fillings.......what?

I remember my father saying that I was his worst mistake and that I should not ever come crying to him. That hurt and it stunted me. My mother Loved me a great deal, but she died of cancer when I was 16. My father was never really loved himself in his life and it effected how he related to me. He had a hard life and he wanted to let me know how it felt......I guess? It is funny to think that you live with your father for 19 years and you think you love him and you do, but then realize that never in all those years together, did he sit down and talk to me once or ask me how I was doing and what I wanted to do. In fact it never happened at all, that is very weird..........IMO.....being born here.

It could of all been so much easier, but it was what it was. The point of this rambling...... "sharing" ......is that we are all damaged goods in many ways that we do not understand. I now do art and have a small studio, but every day, there is a voice that still says I am not good enough or I am not worth it. There is a part of me that "wet blankets" me all day long. People love my art. I have won awards and people tell me I have a gift, but .....somewhere deep inside I am the one that ....."does not believe it" still........."I am my own worst enemy".

I share this in the context of ......."Ubiety"...... leaving the stage. He in a ways is like me. We are our own worst enemies. We wet blanket ourselves and do not believe that we are special. If he knew he was special ........he would not doubt, but he does doubt himself, just like I doubt myself. That doubt was put in there who knows by whom or what really? and who knows about our DNA or about our "Karma" ........"themes" or even our "destiny" and more.

If we did no have doubt and make pain, we would not have made it to this place.....IDC. We are very much damaged goods in certain areas. Yet, it is that damage or the wet blankets that we through upon ourselves that has provided the impetus or shock to look for answers or solutions. Pain has been a motivator, but that was the Cabals world that we lived in.

In a new Love oriented world, we had to let go of our own wet blanket ways. Like....." Ubiety"......, he has gotten a shock today. That hurts and it heals. No one likes rejection and yet, if that is what they seek, then they have to deal with it. Now of course, his actions could have all been part of a profession to create trouble, which then my sharing becomes a mute point of irrelevance. But .....if he was just "wet blanketing" himself, then it is a great opportunity to change for him.

We can all drop our baggage at any time, since no time is required to heal, not really. We can stop being angry or lost or waiting ............this very second. I have a full day today with an art show for three days. I know that the wet blanket monster is still in there waiting to come out and he will. When he does and I catch him at his work, I will say ....."Bye....Bye".....once again. But I know old habits die hard........since the monster is still with me today, after all these years together. He still lives..........

So, I am full of it......yet still trying, since I don't really want to be......" my own worst enemy any longer ".

Much Love Victor

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