Entry Submitted by Sarah at 6:30 PM EDT on April 2, 2017
Hello beautiful family,
It’s been a while. So many things are changing for the better, so many gifts of love and joy and communion have been received, and yet so many things are as yet on the cusp of shifting. I wish I could greet you today with happy platitudes or a humorous analogy, but my heart just isn’t quite there at this time. So I’m just going to be completely authentic. I’m going to reach out to you, the people who understand me the best, and hope that through my words we can all reach a new level of wisdom and compassion and balance within ourselves and as a community.
As a survivor of many traumas, I’ve become very familiar with the ins and outs of PTSD. My compassion for humanity deepens the more I explore this fear-based disorder born from violence, brainwashing, and chaos. Maybe I’m projecting, but I sometimes look at the world and see a bunch of traumatized, scared, and hurting people walking around with no clue how to make it better… myself included. Why do you think I ended up here? Because I want to make it better, more than anything I could ever want for my own personal momentary gratification. When it comes down to it, to me the money and the legislation and the world peace is only a narrative here to highlight our journey as the human race towards a realization of divinity. So, that being my purpose since even before I ever heard the word ZIM, I have employed every solution known to man and even some that my spirit came up with on it’s own to be able to transcend, process, heal, grow through, evolve past this fear, to help the collective do so as well - and at times I feel I have truly overcome this 3D negativity. Yet today, I found myself hurting and scared. As I let the emotions flow unblocked through my psyche, I cried and begged for things to change... and not for the first time. I don’t like to cry or beg. I don’t ever identify myself as a victim. I don’t want anyone to see me in my weak moments, I don’t want anyone to feel bad because of me, I don’t want to feel responsible for the destructiveness that has come into my life… though I know that I am. Usually when I want things to change, I go within and find the source of my strength and I try to create it as any divine being in a human suit naturally would. Not today, though. Today, I am tired. Today, I am so sick of seeing fear come in and pollute all that is sacred and good in my life. Today I am angry at myself for allowing these disgusting feelings to dictate my state of being. All this love I feel should be able to stand on it’s own, resplendent and beautiful and holy… yet the fear still comes rushing in for no discernable reason. I try to fix it, because in healing myself I believe that I can help everyone else to heal too.
Elders, White Hats, Intel gurus, currency holders, readers, family, please hear me and understand me… I’m so tired of being scared when I know I don’t have to be. I’m so tired of hurting because of the past, because of what has been done to our planet, the human race, all forms of life who live here in any way, shape or form. I’m so sick of the trauma. I try so hard to be happy and content with the way things are, but I’m not. I’m only happy because I’ve found out how to make myself happy in order to (hopefully) bring more happiness into my life. I choose love because it is what gives life meaning and beauty amidst the stark shock of poverty, lack, and fear I face every single day. I try to be so strong, to not let anyone see how much it hurts to live like this and see everyone else living like this. I try to make myself feel the way I want to feel, without evidence or fact, just because I have seen the way that love can change things. Today I know I am still strong, but despite my courage and determination, I am also hurting. With all of us.
To me, this RV is a chance to heal the world and myself. I implore you, keepers of the keys, to release this prosperity so that I and all the others here may finally take the next step away from fear and towards love. Away from destitution and towards abundance. Away from being mangled constantly by the dense energies of these powerful memories of turmoil, and towards at-one-ment. Please help me understand why timing is so important when I know that time is an illusory construct. Please help me to receive the truth and love and abundance and grace I so desire, so that I may amplify it exponentially and return it to the world/universe/multiverse.
World, I am sorry that I am not always able to be the person I want to be and that I don’t always feel the way I want to feel. I say this because I know emotions and thoughts create reality, and sometimes my mind and heart are screaming out in agony so loudly that I feel regretful for the fact that I am participating in it. I want to find the beauty in this, but I’m sorry world, sometimes I just don’t. I’m trying to change that. Please help me to do so. Please forgive me for my moments of doubt, shame, grief, and anguish. I know that it is not necessary. I know that it is not kind. I am determined to remove all vestiges of fear from my consciousness and my reality. I only wish to be a beacon of joy and love and freedom, giving love-light to all.
I’m optimistic. I have to be. For me, for you, for all of us, for everything. Because I know we are all one. Maybe if I can get to the state where I feel I belong, that means you will too. So I’ll keep trying. I will never give up on myself, because I would never give up on you. On Gaia. On the idea that life can be GOOD. On the idea that love is a real thing, that love can make things grow and prosper. I know love. I just wish I didn’t know it’s opposite sometimes. I feel like I’ve had enough fear. So can it stop now? I know it can… I’m ready to watch it happen.
I love you, family. I hope this message finds all of you well, as well as any of us can be in this moment. Despite the resurgence of fear and pain that happens more often than I’d like for it to, I have grown in my understanding as a co-creator of a magnificent and beautiful reality in which we can all live freely and full of love. This reality is more real to me than anything else I could conceive of. Regardless of the ups and downs, I am so inspired and so ready to do major good in the world. So ready to see what this human suit and the soul that holds it can really do. So grateful for the blessings I have already received. Truly. But my patience? I’ve never had patience. I feel like things should manifest instantly, which is why I'm trying to remove all the fears and doubts. Other than that, I don't know what to do.
So, with all of you, I await further instruction.
Your sister Sarah
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Sunday, April 2, 2017
Entry Submitted by Sarah at 6:30 PM EDT on April 2, 2017
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